The Biggest Vulnerability I Had to Fix Was My Fear of Rejection

The Biggest Vulnerability I Had to Fix Was My Fear of Rejection, The Mental Battle of Hearing No

“Keep your hopes up high and your head down low” — A Day to Remember, All I Want

Kind of another chummy story, but reflecting life lately. Especially after the truth of my own experiences with IT, but it was good hearing from old friends from my home area of the Portland metro area and also here in the Boise area, especially after showing my podcast and my family’s reaction to it. You ask me, totally honored, while they do see the work. I actually wanted to reflect on my own story and, really, how I saw or heard “No” or “Unfortunately…” You know the classic emails. The rejection email after applying so hard in the job market. So back to my drum kit or bass for the hour, then back to grind again, blasting A Day to Remember, “I’m Made of Wax Larry, What Are You Made Of?”

Sometimes it’s hard to escape the negativity or the feeling of hearing “You have so much experience; any company should take you.” Which is ok; you haven’t met your company yet. Whether it be in Cyber or Tech. Especially if you’re still working at it, things do take time. I heard “no” so many times while working in the Dish Pit for a restaurant in Battle Ground, Washington, to working at a Fortune 500 company. Rejection was still something I had always been afraid of. I had one exit interview asking me, “Why are you learning to hack or do offensive security? What’s the point of it?” I wanted to understand how the vulnerability worked and study why Remote Code Execution worked, from the OSI model to how the code worked. But that was the first time I told myself maybe I should stop. Just stay in my lane and worry about help desk tasks.

With every rejection, I turned to either drumming/bass or to my computer to learn something new. At the time in 2024, I just got the eJPT from INE and had my first Pentesting interview. The eJPT wasn’t enough. Honestly, it was a test to see, you know, how to use Metasploit, and during my interview, I was more green than I thought. I wasn’t familiar with many tools or processes, so I wanted to learn more. Not just wanting to get after certs or CTF’s. It was like learning a new drum fill or understanding a core bass progression. I enjoyed it, but in the back of my mind, that exit interview really hit me hard. I blasted Backslide by Twenty One Pilots for hours, wondering if this was the right move to study offensive security.

It was almost like my prior experience in the Dish Pit. There was a culture problem, probably my ADHD, and I was just not really motivated to do help desk roles. However, even with family and friends, we really want me to fix everyday issues. After five years, you see common issues, like AD losing trust on a PC, Windows leaving updates in the software distro folder, and forcing Windows updates through Group Policy Objects (GPOs). You get the point.

I had to learn that hearing “No” is on the outside, not reflected in your work. Whether that’s in the office or you bring your home labs in. I think, for me, learning became not just a habit, but something I itched to learn about: CVE-2016–5195 aka Dirty Cow, or even CVE-2024–48061, the RCE Langflow AI works. If you think it’s important to you, then learn about it, because the real harm is allowing rejection to take over. You’ll know if you have the right manager if they encourage your learning and you make actual progress.

The ones that don’t, it’s probably a “culture problem” or “Didn’t answer the ultimate question”. I was reading an article by a manager who didn’t hire someone for the help desk because he didn’t answer his one question; spoiler alert: he didn’t post the question on his blog. He interviewed internally for someone just getting the Sec+ and the CySA+ at this company, working help desk. Told him, hey, $70k is great for sys admin work. Which I would have started mass applying to something else. It made me sick, and I felt extremely bad for the other person that had to be on the other end of the article.

These are the perfect candidates at times: someone who knows the company, has the soft skills for the other departments and knows them, and is perfect to train in-house on the company’s software and processes — literally someone who will grow with the company and stay. But I’m starting to feel that, not only in tech, it’s not about networking, home labs, or the work you do inside and outside; it’s about staying in your lane. Like the ghost positions or now AI hiring. Taking that data and roles being faked out, or even letting others go if they applied for that position.

It’s genuinely upsetting now, but even if it feels like it’s forever and there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, just keep hacking and showing it off. Someone is always watching or reading. That 100 to 1,000 no’s in life, you only need one yes. Thanks for reading.